FROM TRYING HARD TO AVOID COVID, TO CONTRACTING IT AND DEALING WITH THE WHIRLWIND OF EMOTIONS THAT IT COMEs WITH – WHAT ARE THE REALITIES OF THE VIRUS?
We are always told how severe the virus is, but it is a whole different story when you contract it yourself. I recently tested positive for COVID-19. Admitting it feels embarrassing, evoking feelings of shame despite not being at fault; the disheartenment of knowing your efforts to protect loved ones by avoiding contact with the outside world are unsuccessful springs upon you so suddenly and unexpectedly.
In light of my compliance with such stringent lockdown procedures, unwitting exposure to the virus never occurred to me; it was only when I caught it myself that fully acknowledged that nobody is truly safe. Moreover, the unfortunate stigmatisation of testing positive and judgement from others that you are at fault often feels as threatening as the virus itself. To anyone who has caught the virus, my thoughts are with you. Know it isn’t your fault, and you did not deserve it at all. Always remember that.
Initially I thought I was asymptomatic as I didn’t feel at all ill; I was frustrated that I would have to isolate in my room for a second time. All seemed well until a few days later I started suffering from chest pains, intense migraines and the most awful exhaustion. The only way to lessen the pain was by sleeping – constantly.
An intense ten days in my room meant for a long duration of contemplating every minuscule detail of my life. Beginning with the frustration, my only thought was, ‘what do I do for such a long period?’ Although university work was there to preoccupy me, finding the motivation while entrapped within the same four walls felt virtually impossible. I felt disappointed, constantly questioning why I had ended up in this position yet again, despite not having been anywhere. However, the experience also put into perspective the severity of the virus; it is easy to forget that it lives amongst us and contracting it does put everything into perspective.
“I feel like I’m dying.” Perhaps an over-exaggeration, but it does go through your mind constantly. The virus is vicious in many ways and I think although my body was not functioning and at times felt as if it was shutting down, mentally the virus takes you someplace dark. It was an experience I hope to never repeat, but it also allowed me to take some time to process the huge changes I had encountered through the whole pandemic and the past year. Physically and mentally, it affected me, and I am still unsure as to which was worse.
Maybe I needed this time alone? Something I considered although the past year has been plentiful of the dreaded “me” time. It was a time to reflect and slow down, whilst simultaneously battling something horrific. The past year has been a rollercoaster of uncertainty, full of meltdowns, losing hope and wanting to give up. I’ve regularly had moments where I’ve wanted to shut myself away and stop caring about the future ahead. Longing for normality and grasping onto hope can be exhausting and draining. It’s a sensation we have all been feeling for too long but hopefully not for much longer.
Hope. Perhaps I just have a strange relationship with the word. Positive or realistic? The last year seems to have sucked the optimism out of me but there is always a glimmer of hope. Feeling negative and having unenthusiastic thoughts seems easier and perhaps more inviting as positivity can just lead to false expectations.
However, coming up to nearly a year of the pandemic, contracting COVID or not, taking time to reflect demonstrates how strong and resilient you are when it comes to fighting your battles. Reflecting also allows for appreciating your growth, the small glimpses of happiness and being thankful for being alive amidst all of the darkness. Sometimes it is difficult of yourself to be proud of what you have achieved when life seems so daunting. The last year has felt so impossible but I have, you have, we all have made it so far.
There is still so much to look forward to. For myself, looking ahead now involves paranoia and there will always be a sense of sadness where we have lost a year but soon enough, we will be able to hug our loved ones, eat out, travel and get our lives back on track. Perhaps my coronavirus experience was something destined to happen. Like the rest of this past year, it was eye-opening and made me remember the importance of treating myself kindly when your emotions (and a virus) are beating you up.
My overall thoughts and what I have learnt is that you should let go of the guilt and acknowledge how well you are doing for getting through each day and trying your best – after I tested positive or just by internally feeling negative. Working through everything in between will make everything easier.
